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Friday
Jun082007

Don't Shave Your Ass Hair

This is an oldie but goodie, that I had to revive from the old blog... It's sound advice. I really feel bad for this poor bastard.

Don't Shave That Hair!!!

I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to you, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble shitting.

No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my ass cheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butt hair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold.

I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey! This is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-Line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea.

I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occassionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn baby. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over.

Little did I know.

I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two asscheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry.

Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic shit- molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky shit/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm.

Unfortunately again, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering shit/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own shit blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks."

Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my asscheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil.

As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony.

Friends, DON'T SHAVE YOUR ASS-HAIR!

Reader Comments (13)

Sorry, I couldn't help but laugh.. Hope it gets better; try power or something. Perhaps talk to a doc about what can be used.

PS: The powder might turning into something less than pleasant.

June 16, 2007 | Unregistered Commenternix

Sorry, I couldn't help but laugh.. Hope it gets better; try power or something. Perhaps talk to a doc about what can be used.

PS: The powder might turning into something less than pleasant.

June 16, 2007 | Unregistered Commenternix

Dude, I have the same problem, only I opted to nair my hair. It gets it really short, but not to the point where its stubble. Don't let it get on your balls, and for Gods sake, dont leave it on for longer than the directions say or you'll have one bloody asshole!

June 16, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterPaul

Dude, I have the same problem, only I opted to nair my hair. It gets it really short, but not to the point where its stubble. Don't let it get on your balls, and for Gods sake, dont leave it on for longer than the directions say or you'll have one bloody asshole!

June 16, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterPaul

Oh, Holy Buckets!!! THIS had me in tears laughing!!! LOL

June 23, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterLucy

Oh, Holy Buckets!!! THIS had me in tears laughing!!! LOL

June 23, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterLucy

oH MY GOD I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT SHAVING MY HAIR AND AFTER READING THIS i WILL JUST LIVE WITH SHIT IN MY HAIR.
hOPE EVERYTHING IS O.K. NOW, BUT U LET ME KNOW NOT TO SHAVE THE HAIR OFF YOUR ASS HOLE. i DO NOT WANT ANY WRONG THINKS TO HAPPEN TO ME . LOL

Thanks david

November 1, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterdavid

oH MY GOD I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT SHAVING MY HAIR AND AFTER READING THIS i WILL JUST LIVE WITH SHIT IN MY HAIR.
hOPE EVERYTHING IS O.K. NOW, BUT U LET ME KNOW NOT TO SHAVE THE HAIR OFF YOUR ASS HOLE. i DO NOT WANT ANY WRONG THINKS TO HAPPEN TO ME . LOL

Thanks david

November 1, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterdavid

lol, that was interesting

August 9, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnon

Grogans?! This is the single best thing I have ever read on the interwebs... I nearly pissed myself reading this!

October 21, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterTittyman

Crikey, that's funny. I love a good shitter story. It's so taboo. Anyway I had a similar problem since I have a pretty hairy ass myself. I decided a couple of weeks ago to trim around the anus with scissors and not shave it. For the reasons you mentioned, shaving anywhere around your groin is a no-no and that includes shaving beautiful luscious pubic hair but that's another story. I trimmed with scissors (the hairs around your anus can get a couple of inches long) and this really works. You still get the benefits of natures hairy purpose but it is not long enough to interfere with wiping and cleaning the area. So just trim with scissors occasionally - if your partner is open-minded, they can do it for you. That's fun sometimes too. Oh...and ladies don't ever trim your pubes -- a full bush is a total turn-on!!! Yum!

December 4, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterRunsWithWolves

This is why you use an electric shaver dedicated to the task. Takes 30 seconds each morning to maintain, no bloody mess.

February 2, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterRarian Rakista

Haha holy fuck! Hahahahahahahahahaha me my mother and brother cried laugjing so hard. I was contemplating doin the same along with 3 friends. I hope they try this haha I hope ur anal trama heals quick!

May 10, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterFatman2g

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